7 Steps to Grow Towards Each Other in Your Relationship - Dimitar Shivachev
Statistics say that a third of marriages end in divorce. These are obviously very worrying figures, but I believe these figures will drop significantly if partners apply the 7 steps below in their relationship. They are 7 powerful steps that will help you grow more towards your partner and rekindle the spark in your relationship. It is very important to emphasize that both partners should take these steps. Otherwise, the chances of success are nil.
Let's take a closer look at these 7 steps to grow towards each other in your relationship.
Step 1: Accept the other person's character
Each of us is uniquely created with our own character traits and not everyone reacts the same way to a given situation. For example, not everyone likes the same humour. One person might find Monty Python hilarious, but another might not like it at all.
It can be like that in a relationship too. You can be together, yet you have completely different personalities and experience a certain situation completely differently from your partner. One thinks it's a big disaster if that beautiful vase - which you bought together yesterday - breaks, but the other may think something like: "oh well, it's only a vase".
These differences in characters can become a dangerous trap in your relationship if you don't accept your partner's character. You expect your partner to also find it a disaster when the vase breaks, or vice versa, but that doesn't have to be the case. If your partner doesn't react to your expectations, don't take it as something negative. Instead of blaming your partner and saying he/she is totally insensitive, keep in mind that he/she may experience the situation differently. There is nothing wrong with that, that can actually build your relationship if you talk about your feelings in a friendly way from an "I perspective" instead of a "you perspective".
What is "I perspective"
For example, instead of "you are unfeeling", it would make your relationship much better if you say, "I don't feel any empathy in your reaction". The choice of words in a discussion determines which direction the discussion goes - towards irritation and argument or towards awareness and addressing the cause of the discussion.
No matter what you try, you cannot change the other person's character. It is also a huge trap if you try to do so by "slapping" his/her "bad reactions" in his/her face. Where the character cannot be changed, it does not mean that you cannot polish anything about your behaviour. How we react to certain situations is a matter of choices. You cannot choose your character, but you can choose your behaviour and reactions.
What you can do about this is: Accept the other person's character and talk kindly from "I perspective"!
Step 2: Take the beam out of your eye
Many partners come into conflict with each other because they want to change the other according to their own vision. The problem starts as early as forming the picture of our ideal partner. We start a relationship with someone we like, but when disagreements and clashes arise over time, we realise that our partner seems to be different from what we thought after all. As our relationship progresses, we discover more and more shortcomings in the other person.
These shortcomings pile up more and more so after a while we are only concerned with them and we see very little to no positive qualities in our partner anymore, which we liked so much when we fell in love with him/her. At some point, we get fed up with our partner's unpleasantness and, of course, we clearly show it to him/her.
"What would you like to see different in your partner?", I asked a client during a session. "I want him to change!", she said with a twinge of irritation in her tone. "Have you ever looked at yourself? When are you going to change?", he shot back with the same "bullets".
It can go on endlessly like this, as long as you don't learn to look in the mirror.
We think we see the other person's shortcomings keenly and we try with all our might to do something about it. But in reality, we are blind to our own shortcomings. We see the mote in the other person's eye, but not the beam in our own. As long as you don't remove the beam from your own eye, it will continue to obstruct your vision.
So, the second step is: Take the beam out of your eye and fix things with yourself!
Step 3: Overcome your weaknesses
Instead of pointing the finger at the other person, it will help you much more if you look at the three fingers pointing at you first. If we have not overcome our own weaknesses, we have no right to grumble about our partner's.
So it can be different: start with yourself! Admit that you are not perfect. Admit that you have also made your contribution to your shared problems. If you don't know what that contribution is, look for it and turn away from it!
It could be impatience, pride, jealousy, infidelity, dishonesty, addiction, dominance, manipulation, etc. Whatever it is, overcome it and stop letting it stand between you so that you can't trip over it anymore.
So, if you find yourself getting frustrated because your partner is not meeting your expectations, stop for a moment and look at yourself. What can you do to contribute to a better relationship? How can you grow as a person? Through self-reflection and acknowledging your own shortcomings, you lay the foundation for positive change in your relationship.
So the third step is: Overcome your weaknesses and turn your back on them!
Step 4: Ask your partner for tips
Confess some of your most obvious shortcomings to your partner and say you want to change. Every week, ask him or her for a tip on how to be a better husband or wife. Make a real effort to change something. Chances are your partner will accommodate you.
And remember, if you notice certain positive change(s) in your partner, compliment him/her for it. You will be amazed how such an attitude can change your relationship - step by step - for the better.
The fourth step is: Ask your partner for tips and apply them!
Step 5: Prioritise your partner
Prioritise your partner instead of yourself. Think of the other first, because love is given to us by God to pass on unconditionally. Think not only of your own interest but also that of your partner. Set your partner higher than yourself and treat him/her as you want to be treated yourself.
Do everything without grumbling, without negative comments and arguments! That way, no one - your partner included - can say a bad word against you. After all, he who does good, meets good.
So the fifth step is: Prioritise your partner and treat him/her the way you want to be treated yourself!
Step 6: Communicate openly and clearly
A relationship is all about good communication between the partners, mutual support and understanding. It is not about who is right or who needs to change. It is about you working together to build a healthy and loving relationship.
Don't try to read each other's minds! For example, if you have done the dishes three days in a row, don't assume that your partner is going to do it today as a matter of course. The chances are real that it won't happen. Instead of making a negative comment on it, then stay friendly and ask your partner if he/she would like to do it this time.
In this case, your relationship will benefit much more from: "Would you like to do the dishes this time?" or "Do you mind if you do the dishes this time?" instead of: "You never do the dishes! You always leave it to me!"
If necessary, agree with each other to take turns. Or agree on a fair division of household tasks. Talk openly and clearly about each other's expectations.
It is important to be open to feedback and willing to grow. Listen to what your partner has to say and be willing to take action. Change can be difficult, but it is worth it if it leads to a healthier and happier relationship.
So, the sixth step reads: Communicate openly and clearly and work together to build a healthy and loving relationship!
Step 7: Give each other sexual intercourse
We should definitely not underestimate the great importance of sexual intercourse in a relationship. You have to see that as a seal in a relationship between two partners when they belong together. With that, you stamp each other as one, that you become one together.
Let me take the liberty of quoting what the Bible says on this subject in 1 Corinthians 7:3-6:
"The husband should give his wife what is due to her and the wife should give her husband what is due to him (marital obligations, including sexual intercourse). The husband has as much control over his wife's body as she does and the wife as much control over her husband's body as he does (physically loving each other).
"Do not refuse each other sexual intercourse, except if you agree together not to have intercourse temporarily because you want to use the time to pray (e.g. due to/for medical reasons or similar). But after that, you should have normal intercourse with each other again (when you are better and capable again). Otherwise, Satan, through your lack of self-control, might tempt you (if you deliberately and without reason deprive your partner of sexual intercourse, your partner may be tempted to cheat). I tell you this to accommodate you, not to impose anything on you" (so that you are spared from unnecessarily miserable situations that could lead to a relationship breakdown).
Whether you are religious or not, you cannot ignore this piece if you want to have a happy relationship. Whether you like reading the Bible or you want nothing to do with it, there is no getting around these principles on sexual intercourse on your way to a long-term love relationship with your partner.
Therefore, remember well: Give each other sexual intercourse and see each other as one!
Seek professional help
I understand that sometimes it is not so easy to apply the above steps and keep your relationship standing because of all those accumulated problems. If you find yourself in a difficult situation and your precious love relationship is suffering because of it, you often need professional help from a Relationship coach.
Has your relationship hit a dead end and you don't know how to proceed? Then feel free to contact me. As your relationship coach, I offer you all the help you need so that your relationship can blossom again.
My last tip for you is: If you want to change your partner, start with yourself!
© 2023 Dimitar Shivachev - All rights reserved
